Blue Book of Pain
by Heyl13
Summary: In a universe where E.L. James relies on originality and Bella Swan actually has a backbone, the latter reads Fifty Shades of Grey. AU/AH.


_**A/N: **__That's what happens when you brainstorm after midnight. Title is reference to (Edward Cullen's) Christian Grey's "Red Room of Pain".  
_

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**_Blue Book of Pain_**

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When Jacob entered their house, the first thing that came to his attention was the complete lack of any sound. Usually it was Bella cooking, or singing ‒ very loudly and scary off-key ‒ in the bathroom, or maybe the the sound of some show on the TV.

"Bells?" he called as he discarded his jacket on the back of a chair.

"Living room," a feeble voice said.

Jacob crossed to the narrow room where he located his wife, cowered on the sole couch, knees close to her chest, a vacant look in her eyes. At first, he couldn't determine where exactly she was staring at, but soon his eyes fell on the opened book upon the coffee table. Its spine was soft and wrinkled, and the edges of the pages and cover were crumbled, as though someone had been tugging at them in a fit of rage.

He recognized the cover instantly: the silver tie on a dark background, the tacky typewriter font. . . .

A smile lifted the corners of his mouth. "You've been reading _Fifty Shades of Grey_, haven't you?"

Picking up the book, he noted that Bella had read up until page 235. That made his smile widen; he'd known Bella for so many years, and she had never left a book unfinished.

Bella nodded vaguely, still staring off into seemingly nothing, her posture unchanged.

"I told you not to read this thing," Jacob said. "Jared said that Kim did, and that it was ‒ and I quote ‒ 'the most offensive piece of shit I've read' and 'bad, bad, _bad_ porn'. If _Kim_ disapproves of erotica, then it's _bad_.

"It was terrible," Bella muttered through gritted teeth. "Jessica said that it's all the rage ‒ she called it 'mommy porn', I should've known. . . ."

"Has _she_ read it?"

"I don't think so; she's just heard about it through word of mouth. Gah, I can't believe she got me to read this thing!"

Jacob sat beside Bella on the couch. "C'mon," he offered, "it can't be _that_ terrible. I'm sure Kim hated it because of the bad sex, but . . . I mean, it has a plot, right?"

"Plot? What plot?" Bella shouted. Her voice had assumed a shrill, semi-hysterical tone that caused Jacob to flinch.

"What, it has no plot?"

"It's porn, Jacob," Bella said matter-of-factly. "What little plot porn has is ‒ _when _it has ‒ centered around sex. It's all sex."

"Since when is that a bad thing?"

Bella shot him an angry look. "As a reader and a consumer, I am offended by this book," she stated profusely. "If I'd known what I'd been spending my ten bucks on _that_," ‒ she beckoned at the book accusingly ‒ "I'd bought a new saucepan. So, _there_."

Jacob laughed; Bella already had _too_ many saucepans. "Okay," he said, "_what_ aspects of the book you _did_ like? There has to be something."

"Uh . . . _no_? This— This _novel_ ‒ and I am using this term in its loosest definition ‒ has no redeeming qualities. None. At all. First, the characters are just . . . horrible."

"So, it's like _Wuthering Heights_," Jacob deduced. "But it can't be, 'cause you keep raving about it."

"Well, the characters of _Heights_ _are_ awful ‒ selfish and self-destructive ‒ but they are actually interested and not entirely based on stupid clichés."

Jacob shrugged noncommittally ‒ not having read either book, he had no idea.

"Well, take Ana, for example. She's _Shades_' so called heroine."

"What of her?"

"Well, she's bland. And has no backbone. And is overly judgmental. And a doormat. Ugh, I _hate _Ana!"

"Okay, okay. Relax. She's a fictional character."

"The thought that millions of women think of her as a role model. . . ."

"Well, what about the love interest? There _is _one, right?"

"Of _course_ there is, so to speak," Bella quipped. "You'd think that there would be _one_ erotic-slash-romantic novel with a sexually active heroine, but they're all about pure, virginal saints at this point!"

"Virgins _do_ exist, Bells," Jacob pointed out.

"Yeah, but I feel like all romance novels feel the need to stress their purity and superiority over sexually active women. Let's face it, the 'villains' of such books will always be the promiscuous ones. And _of course_ the 'hero' doesn't respect _those_, because ‒ _Jacob!_ ‒ they're _sluts_!"

"I've heard this rant before. Okay, now . . . what about the hero?"

"He's no hero at all! He's a controlling, manipulating, abusing, borderline sadistic _prick_. And it's a BDSM story, so naturally he is the Dom. It would've been so much more interesting and original to have the seemingly innocent college student be the Dom instead, but _no_! We have a billion clichés to succumb to."

"What's-his-face—"

"Christian _Grey_. Ugh."

"—does sound like an asshole. Okay, bad characters. . . ."

"Bad sex."

"Bad sex. . . . What else?"

"No plot."

"No plot. . . ."

"False portrayal of BDSM relationships, too. Gosh, Grey actually has Ana sign a _contract_ at some point in the 'story' where she basically gives up her freedom. After, what, two days of knowing the guy? It's thinly veiled _abuse_!"

"I can't believe people read this thing," Jacob said, shaking his head in disapproval.

"'Mommy porn'. It's _such _an offensive term. Mothers ‒ and so called 'bored housewives' ‒ need better porn than that. I mean, period sex? _Really?_"

Jacob jerked his head, as if to shoo away an irksome bug. "Please tell me you didn't just say what I think you just said," he implored.

Bella propped herself up, resting her back on the arm of the sofa. "Oh, I meant _exactly_ what I said," she asserted. "I mean, I get it, BDSM and all. The sex has to be creative and original and everything, but it also has to be _hot_. Like, what the fuck? Yanking a bloody tampon out and then slamming—"

"Okay, Bells. I think I get it," Jacob cut in. "That's one sick mental image."

"Well, I _read_ it."

"Hey, at least we're having hotter sex than them," Jacob offered.

"My _grand-parents_ had hotter sex than them. Now _that's_ another bad mental picture for you." There was a beat. "And it's the first book in a trilogy! There's _more_ of that crap!"

Jacob suppressed a smile.


End file.
